This post is going to be a ramble. So bear with me.
I often feel like I have an overload of ideas and thoughts. Everything is bouncing against each other and the second a “good” idea comes about a “better” one comes and the “good” idea is now “bad”.
I’m often thinking about what the hell I should do with my life. So much so that it interferes with doing anything with my life. I have become extremely motivated to find something to do with my life so that I don’t accidentally become good at thinking about doing something with my life.
The thing is, I don’t think I’m that different.
I see styles in writing, I see styles in thinking. I see how people have general “types” of personality and I see how very basic core beliefs about the general state of the world shapes everything. And I mean beliefs.
Because beliefs are everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
If we were to break down the most monumental achievements (define as you may) the majority of them by today’s standards were guided by phenomenally delusional beliefs.
It is why I am a firm believer in belief as a tool, not anything more or less.
This is why I have to ask the question of finality. Where does humanity end up? Where do we end up in this universe in comparison to the future (and any other possible iterations of self-awareness). Ultimately this is where truth lies. Finding the future and the finality of this world is the real question, it is what fuels the purpose of the current.
And yet somehow we must live our lives guessing, not really knowing what it all adds up to. We can predict, but it only ever works as a tool.
So in our state of guessing, we occupy ourselves with whatever field/s we happen to gravitate into (either by default or choice).
So I am aware that everything we do might ultimately be completely pointless. All the theories, truths and constructions/creations we have made can seem like a structure to the heavens, but it ultimately could encapsulate the tinniest blade of grass in the universe.
This I don’t believe changes anything in my life or actions. Because I simply cannot know. Instead I am left with accepting (quite happily) the common human story. Birth, growth into an identity, expertise in that identity and then harvesting of that expertise for others in the world.
That said I am stuck like tar in the identity portion. I feel like I am watching ships travel back and forth across the ocean while I wait on the docks. Letting time pass by and my soul rot.
You could say that I have been “trained”, but that doesn’t satisfy me. As is a common theme in these unread, pointless blogs among the proliferation of millions of others, we are a distracted nation. All I can see underneath the TV, videogames, food, drugs and sex is an avoidance of passion. And ultimately that is the root of unhappiness, tearing across the globe.
So to those lucky people out there, who found what they love to do, I can only sit here and watch in a sunken gaze. Nothing pains me more than to watch people give up on those passions simply to distract themselves with something incredibly short-term and subversively destructive.
I don’t think most people are in that position though. I think most people are lost. Just like me. Waiting to believe in something.